Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
