cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
