dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
