I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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