All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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