for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
