I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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