I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
