i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
