he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
