JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
