people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
