So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
