No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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