So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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