She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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