I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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