when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
