you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
