Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
