now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
