Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
