I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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