Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
