This is not my ceiling
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
