I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
