Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
