When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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