There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
