I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
