he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
