where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
