I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
