hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
