so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
