I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
