my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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