I look better un-naked...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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