I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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