I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
