Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
