Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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