I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
