walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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