I wish I could teleport
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
