Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
What a dumb baby whore.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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