I wannas sexs uuuuu
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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