I wanna bring you to show and tell
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
