Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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