I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
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